My life companion, best friend and partner in crime has been the best support I could ever imagine at these crazy times. Not only does he know me like nobody else, but he’s also the most loyal and compassionate person I know. So the other day we went for a chemo café trip; to plan activities in the forthcoming weeks. Not only to cope with our daily life, but indeed to have some merry time too. Our pre-chemo life would contain a lot of escapades – going out alternating every other day was standard to us, including weekdays.
Dropping down in pace could be necessary for a while, but standing still would probably be a disaster for both of us. We both know it for sure and we don’t easily settle for less. So as the thoughtful person he is, he sat me down and carefully looked into the calendar, finding interesting events, dates with friends and so on until there was plenty carefully planned. And if I would be too tired at any point, we could just cancel or postpone.
If I get to ask for anything, this is really what I need at the moment: dates and events to look forward to and to indulge in. Facing cancer, chemo and mastectomy is no doubt a shock. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for this and it is definitely the most surreal situation I have ever experienced. With the attitude I have shown until now I get a lot of comments on how strong, brave and courageous I am. But I also get a lot of comments about how is OK to not be strong all the time. People offer a shoulder to cry on if I should need it and tell me that I don’t have to keep up this facade of a ferocious person constantly. But I find it a bit of a misunderstanding.
Because I do cry. And curse(!), of course I do. This is a bloody mess and I’m full of shitty poison and I’m tired and exhausted already after one week. I had a complete shock several times, the latest was only three weeks ago. But I do not ignore it or hide my feelings. I think about the situation and the feelings concerning it, I talk about it, I most certainly joke about it – a little too much for some people’s comfort I’m afraid. I’m so lucky to have my very best friend in the world, my husband, living with me and we discuss the way of life we have now. How we can deal with this ordeal in an orderly manner. And he hugs me tightly and listens when it gets though and I do the same for him.
In my world there is no greater meaning, it’s only what you make of it. There is no fair and unfair, things just happen. A lot of the things that have happened now are outside of my control, so it makes no sense to be upset about it or complain. I’m not mad that I had cancer. I do not feel it is unjust that I have to go through chemo. It just happened. What I do know is that I’m strong and I have a network of fabulous people around me. And I have gotten to know a lot of marvellous women that have overcome all this before me. And yes, I cry. I cry and I even explode in anger for tiny things. From chock, stress, exhaustion, damned chemo and everything else. But not because I hate the situation, it’s because I’m low on energy, because I’m tired.
But I still plan to have a ball. That’s what me and my soulmate really need right now. Not take the cancer so damn seriously, but indeed do so with life itself. It is what it is. I had cancer. I’m getting chemo because there is some statistical likelihood that it has spread already – in which case I could become very ill or even die if it isn’t stopped. But there is nothing in the world I can do about it apart from doing what I’m doing now. There are no guarantees on this planet. I could walk in front of a car tomorrow and die anyway. So the best thing must be to take charge of the things that are under my influence and stop worrying about the things that are not. I’m doing the best I can. See you out there for some festivities, buffoonery or other distractions soon!