Sometimes it can actually feel like you’re going forward when you’re going in circles – even though you end up where you started. One thing I’m still learning is that the cancer never really lets me go completely and there are so many emotions connected to experiences and expressions that I once had. Things that has been altered because I had cancer, things that has been out of my control. There can both be freedom in letting go and in revisting what once was. This blog concerns the latter. Something that feels like a small victory to me.
Six years ago I visited Nice with my amazing sister. What should have been a cute weekend together became some difficult days spent in each others company. I had just learned a few days prior that I had to go through a mastectomy on my left breast and my sister was in the early stages of pregnancy and was suffering with nausea and pain. To add worse to the matter the weather matched our internal turmoil and gifted us torrential downpour to honor our moods. Time moved slowly; we rested in the hotel room, cried some in each others arms, had good food at nice restaurants and walked a lot in the rain.
There was a sense of relief in both of us when we came home, the trip was emotionally exhausting and I knew I had some upcoming surgery that I needed to prepare for. But no rest for the wicked. Not long after surgery I found out I needed chemotherapy as well, which meant I would loose my hair too.
Back then I chose to cut it all off myself rather than wait for it to happen, so a few days before my first chemo I let my kids cut my hair, something that is still a fun and joyous memory for them. That was the best decision for me giving me a sense of control. In the end I was very happy to be bald and to play with that look. I’ve definitely also loved to play and experiment with so many more styles while my hair has been growing over the last many years. I doubt I would have done this without the chemo push – this is one of few things I am grateful for in all of this.
– smile and colors are still the same
Now six years have passed and this weekend I went back to Nice and had an absolutely wonderful time. Looking at old pictures from the first trip, I realized that it wasn’t until pretty recently that I was able to recreate my old hairstyle that I had at that time. I can’t help to feel some significance of the two events coinciding; to reclaim that destination and to be able to carry my hair in the same way again. Both of them has been reclaimed in such a beautiful way for me. It really feels like some sort of victory.
I’m not sure if the choice to go back to Nice or to have the same hairstyle again is important in itself – but for me there is value in feeling some sort of control, a feeling of actual choice that in itself gives happiness. Maybe I’m just pretending that I’m in charge of my life for a little while; but I sure do like the illusion. And maybe I’m not the only one?
Trine Amazon 