Colorful thoughts

To be in a waiting position. To never know how you’re going to feel, is it still a good day or will things get worse? Second chemo done. Three days out. Prepared for feeling worse, hoping that I don’t. So far everything’s almost as good as it get in a way.

Only one more of the “bad” ones to go. Then 9 of another kind. Then I’m done. In September that is. It’s a weird feeling to go into the room where you’re receiving the treatment. You know it’s some serious shit they’re giving you. The banal paradox for every chemo patient; it’s not the necessarily the cancer that make you sick, it’s the medicine. Hopefully it’s also a cure. Or maybe even unnecessary. But you don’t know. So you’re waiting. Trying to keep your head occupied. Trying to keep busy, but also not overdoing it. Balance! Right? You need rest, you need to keep going, you need to be active – but not too much though. The chemo has been light on me so far. A little dizzy at times, dry lips and eyes. Everything is so close to normal, but then again it’s nothing like it at all. The day of chemo is not the most fun, but until now it’s been ok the day after already. The pace is slowing down. I don’t have as much energy as I used to. Yesterday, third day after chemo, I felt a little worse than the second day. Took my bike for a long ride in the windy cool Danish summer. Managed to bike at least 10 km, was dripping with sweat, my pulse was fast and loud. It kind of helped and got me thinking on something else.

Had a scarf on my head to keep it warm, it almost blew of me in the strong wind. Made me laugh. Today I’m dizzy again. Still on the anti nausea meds. Today is Distortion at Vesterbro. Big street party with lots of music. I’ll make sure I get out, say hi to everyone. I need a little fun today. I wish that the next three months will pass quickly and yet I don’t want to wish this summer away. I really want to have a splendid summer, chemo and all. More colors, more fun; indulging in colorful wigs, scarfs and earrings. I took the train with my bike for the rest of the trip yesterday. In the elevator up the station there was another girl. “What a happy bike you have”. And I smiled. I think colors bring smile and joy to people. I’ll try to see how much of that I can give this summer. That is where I find my energy. My color scheme!